REDUCE, REUSE, RIDICULOUS?

Sweet Mother Nature is crying out for our help. Her poor polar babies are suffering, their playgrounds are melting away. But are we to blame for Mom Nature’s abusive husband, Father Evolution? That heartless tyrant always spanks us like the naughty children we are.

I get it. You don't want to turn your back on a battered Mother Earth. Sure, I didn’t start walking everywhere until gas prices shot up, but I’ve been recycling for two decades now. I reuse bags, turn off appliances that aren’t in use. I just wonder if it will pay off in the long run. Self-preservation is an admirable instinct but ARE ENVIRONMENTALISTS BLOWING GREEN HOUSE GASSES UP OUR ASSES?

Climates are meant to change. Species die out, new civilizations emerge. It's been going on for millennia, Friends. Who am I to stand in the way of progress?

IS ANYONE ELSE AFRAID THAT EVOLUTION IS FAR STRONGER THAN OUR SOLAR POWERED EGOS?

Once we melt away, and Human 2.0 hits the scene with super strength, superior intellect and multiple sex organs, s/he will giggle at our cute attempts to defy nature. Leno 2.0 will crack jokes when their scientists unearth a Prius. [As if you weren’t laughing at them already] Our recycle bins, hybrids, and activists will eventually line the walls of their ultramodern history museums.

Simply voicing these concerns is enough to get me knifed in LA. Yes, I feel guilty when my showers run long, but does that outweigh the embarrassment of unshaved armpits? And what about all those guys who are using the water crisis as an excuse not to flush the toilet? G-ross. I’m on to you!

There’s too much turmoil in the Earth household. Unless Miss Nature breaks it off with her sadistic lover, Evolution, I’m afraid we’re SOL. Recycle all you want. I’m outta here! My realtor’s hooking me up with a 4 bed/4 bath craftsman on Jupiter.