BE HAPPY, DAMNIT!

Better keep that glass half full, girls. A livescience.com study suggests that optimistic women live longer, healthier lives. Optimistic women are at a lower risk for developing heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol and high blood pressure. The research shows that women with high levels of cynical hostility are at a greater risk of dying.

Well, we’re all going to die, anyway. Wait! I mean…

Here’s the kicker: Researchers found that optimists were more likely to live in the Western US [√], have higher education [√], higher incomes [∅heh], they are employed [∅ugh], have health insurance [∅ouch] and regularly attend religious services [gulp].

Employed? Insurance? By ‘regularly,’ what do they mean, exactly?

Oh, forget it. That’s it. I’m screwed. It’s all over. I can feel my blood pressure shooting up already.

HOW DO YOU STAY POSITIVE? BY READING MY BLOG? WHY, THANK YOU!

A HEADACHE FREE COMPLEXION

Why did it take me 28 years to discover the Aspirin mask? Over the years, I’ve wasted hundreds of dollars on prescriptions that were way less effective. Probably my fault. Going to a dermatologist who has wicked acne is like relying on a homeless realtor.

Anyway, the mask is miraculous! Aspirin is

IT TAKES TWO, BABY

Though every woman should take responsibility for her own uterus, a study by the National Journal of Common Sense shows that men play an essential roll in creating babies. So why aren’t men responsible for popping baby stoppers religiously, getting painful monthly injections or maneuvering their Nuvarings? Sure, they’ll ride the Trojans for safety, but shouldn’t birth control concern men a little more? If the

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

That's not a dig at my GA friends who are literally swimming to safety. Good luck, guys!

Rather, it’s a reference to my spectacular change of luck. Today’s interview was great, and they called me back for another one in the morning. Woo!

I’d like to thank Eminem, who reminded me before today’s interview, that “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” You’re so right, Em. Your wisdom inspired me.

OH, POOH

I’ve never been a fan of Winnie the Pooh or his ragtag group of friends. We wonder why there’s a childhood obesity epidemic in this country? Winnie the Pooh is no role model! First of all, his name is Pooh. Ew. He’s a gluttonous, half dressed slob who sucks honey off his bare (or should I say bear) paws. Kids, if you see anyone like this, run to a well-lit area and call for help. Whatever you do, do NOT reach into his honey pot!

Over the years I’ve developed some sympathy for the inhabitants of Hundred Acre Woods. Modern medicine could really improve the quality of their lives. Eeyore- depression hurts. Cymbalta can help. And Piglet, I bet Xanex could ease your wicked anxiety disorder. Tigger- stop by any college campus and see if a 4^th year freshman can mellow you out.

I’m no doctor. Just a concerned friend.

Hope For Hooters

1 in 8 women will get breast cancer and there is no cure… YET. Hope-4-Hooters is a Virginia based team that’s walking to raise money for women with breast cancer. They’re on their 3rd year, and so far they’ve raised thousands!

TO WALK OR CONTRIBUTE:
Click here and choose Hope-4-Hooters in the "I want to fulfill a pledge" drop-down menu.

All proceeds from the Walk benefit the Alexandria, VA Breast Cancer Walk Fund at Inova Alexandria Hospital, which provides mammograms to uninsured women or to those in financial need. Nearly 5,000 women have been helped due to the generous support of sponsors, walkers and their pledges.

KNOW A COOL GIRL DOING SOMETHING GREAT IN HER CITY? TELL US ABOUT IT!

REDUCE, REUSE, RIDICULOUS?

Sweet Mother Nature is crying out for our help. Her poor polar babies are suffering, their playgrounds are melting away. But are we to blame for Mom Nature’s abusive husband, Father Evolution? That heartless tyrant always spanks us like the naughty children we are.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

I never understood why people blog. I mean, “blog” sounds like something you do once you get home from another dinner with those pretentious friends who pretend to love Ethiopian food. B-log! Come on. I know plenty of Ethiopians who would much prefer a quarter pounder with fries. Nevertheless, long days of unemployment leave me with a hole to fill, so read on, write back, and spread the word.

THE DEVIL CAN'T AFFORD PRADA

OH, HONEY. IT’S NOT THE ECONOMY. IT’S YOU.

98 Days of Unemployment * 74 Days of Aggressive Job Searching

80+ Resumes Submitted * $353.52 To My Name

I never thought I’d be in this situation. Not only am I unemployed, I’m apparently completely unemployable. I have milked every contact, sent out countless resumes, applied to every job under the sinking California sun. I began the job hunt with a discount suit, a folder full of resumes, a pocket full of useless accolades and a head full of false hope. Only to find graduate school just may have killed

LA FITNESS

At 133 pounds, I am at least 20 pounds heavier than most of the girls I meet out here. WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS DOING?? Whatever it is, I want to know! I'll try anything short of the Hollywood coke diet.

My mother has urged me to get a job at the gym so I don’t get fat while looking for a real work. Thanks, Mom! What are you trying to say? I guess it’s the same message my Sevens are trying to send as they choke my kidneys. I’ve tried eating naked so I’ll be reminded with every bite of the caloric consequences,

CALIFORNIA SCREAMING

It’s a little past midnight and you’re alone again. You hear a scream, punctuated by rhythmic pounding. Or worse- you’re not alone. Mom’s in town, and the neighbor’s goin’ down. Living in city spaces sometimes means sharing in your neighbor’s most intimate moments.

HOW DO YOU COPE WITH THE NEIGHBOR/ROOMMATE WHO LIKES TO F.O.L?

Do you LOL? Knock on the wall? Burry your head under a pillow? Or do you confront the city screamer in the elevator, remind her that you’re glad she’s getting some, but you don’t want to hear about it?

Before you kick down those paper-thin apartment walls, just remember- the wall works both ways. We’ve heard you, too!

AT LAST!

101 Days of Unemployment, 86+ Resumes Sent, $271.08 left, and ::drum roll, please::

I have an interview! Send your prayers, good vibes, break-a-legs, (or whatever your religious views permit) my way!

In typical interview fashion, I will spend most of the day researching the company, re-doing my hair, practicing my shake-‘n-smile, and dancing along to Michael Jackson videos.

I’ll let you know if it’s a break or a bust!

HOW DO YOU PUMP YOURSELF UP FOR AN INTERVIEW?

FROZEN YOGURT

Over the past several months I’ve come to see myself as a fro yo connoisseur. It started out as a brief flirtation with Yogotango, and blossomed into an icy love affair with Yogurtland. Move over Pinkberry! There’s a sweet new treat and the craze is catching on.