FIRST DAY JITTERS

Starting a new job is like the first day of school. Remember those early fall nightmares that accompanied the first day? Every year of grade school began with a nightmare that I got majorly lost in a huge public school maze, missed all my classes, then got severely punished for being a scrawny idiot in stupid clothes.

Like Celine Dion, “it’s all coming back to me now.”

I have major first day jitters. Is my alarm clock going to be loud enough? Where should I sit at lunch? Will I make any friends? What if I screw everything up, wet my pants in embarrassment, and someone has to call my mommy? Adult diapers will come in handy tomorrow when I drop some phone calls, delete an important document, and call my boss a wiener in tongue-tied anxiety.

After so many months of unemployment, I’m incredibly grateful for a job. And one on such a great show? That’s excellent! But I’m worried because UCLA’s grad school didn’t have any classes in Advanced Call Rolling or Comprehensive Coffee Cooking. What if my phone voice doesn’t stack up?

I have to memorize some phone extensions, match faces to names, and get myself acclimated. One of the things that makes me most uncomfortable with new jobs is having people listen to me on the phone. What are they thinking as I carry on conversations with unknowns? Do they think my voice is too squeaky? Do I sound like a confused infant? Will coworkers Instant Message mean jokes about me to each other? You know you’ve done it!

I always like to buy fresh supplies at the beginning of a new death sentence/school year/project/job. In each situation, though, people judge the newby by the junk they use to litter their space. My office space will be very public. It’s right out there in the open, so a “You Know You’re A Redneck If” calendar probably won’t fly. And that zany strip of photo booth pics with me and the BF will probably reveal too much. Maybe my talking Napoleon Dynamite statue will help generate conversation. “It’s incredible!”

HOW SHOULD I DECORATE MY OFFFICE SPACE?