WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY, BRAIN?

"Same thing we do every day, Pinky..."

Almost every week day for the past 6 months has been like an episode of Pinky & The Brain. Each morning I devise a plan to take over the world. Every day I fail. If insanity means doing the same thing but expecting different results, I guess I have gone insane with this job search.

DO YOU HAVE ANY JOB SEARCH TIPS?

I'M A QUITTER

I tasted employment! For one tense, toxic, terrible month, I had a real paying job in LA!

::Thank you, thank you::

Too bad my boss was a bit of a mad man; the kind of guy who doesn’t know how not to be a wiener. Meryl Streep did what she cold to portray this type of person, but I can say from experience, The Devil Wears Wingtips.

Fortunately, he utilized my skill set effectively by giving me meaningful chores like dish washing, gift wrapping and grocery shopping. Filling my 12 hour days with wearisome tasks on top of running an already busy desk would be no big deal, if it weren’t for the putrid air of arrogance filling the hideously decorated, mouse infested halls of his noxious office. My discomfort with the egomaniac’s snide comments, petty squabbles, ridiculous requests and unbelievably short temper was punctuated by 6 AM phone calls and pestering weekend texts. Though I knew the job would entail some exasperating tasks, I never fathomed the amount of needless brow beating and discomfort a single person could inflict on a staff for no good reason.

THICK SKIN

A few people at the company commented that I just needed to develop a thick skin. (Said people will need thick skin too, as they will not be asked back next season.) I have skin smoothing serums, exfoliating scrubs, pore eliminating masks… Neutrogenia’s Skin Thickening Cream isn’t sold over the counter. And if this potion did exist- I don’t want to be coarse. How am I to gently stroke inflated egos with a calloused hand?

I have no experience with abuse. I don’t flourish in the face of degradation. And seriously- I shouldn’t have to. This is TV, folks! I would’ve enlisted if I wanted a drill sergeant. No pay check (no matter how tiny!) is worth a complete loss of self respect.

As the child of federal employees, I’ve caught a glimpse at those who negotiate vital international agreements. I’ve seen serious national policies being debated. What strikes me is that those issues were handled humbly with an air of tactful diplomacy and respect for all parties. How refreshing!

For a long time, the Hollywood machine has been permitted to run on the backs of overly eager 20-somethings who are tempted by empty promises of celebrity. With so many souls for sale, how can a budding Hollywood Exec be expected to show any restraint? This system has allowed for a complete erosion of etiquette.

Let’s class it up, people!

After months of unemployment, quitting was a tough decision. I have had some wonderful work experiences with incredible people. Those experiences empowered me. They reminded me that there is no reason to slave away for a snotty soul crusher in a position that offers no benefits- no health insurance, no direct deposit, and most importantly- no dignity.

Thanks to all the super supervisors and cool coworkers who came before! You showed me how it’s done.

Guess it's back to the soup kitchen for me.

FIRST DAY JITTERS

Starting a new job is like the first day of school. Remember those early fall nightmares that accompanied the first day? Every year of grade school began with a nightmare that I got majorly lost in a huge public school maze, missed all my classes, then got severely punished for being a scrawny idiot in stupid clothes.

Like Celine Dion, “it’s all coming back to me now.”

I have major first day jitters. Is my alarm clock going to be

GOT A GIG

After months of unemployment, I finally got a job! Though I'm very excited about the position, I hear my predecessors didn't fair too well. They came and went very quickly. I guess that means I should enjoy this little victory while it lasts! Champagne, anyone?!

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS

That's not a dig at my GA friends who are literally swimming to safety. Good luck, guys!

Rather, it’s a reference to my spectacular change of luck. Today’s interview was great, and they called me back for another one in the morning. Woo!

I’d like to thank Eminem, who reminded me before today’s interview, that “you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” You’re so right, Em. Your wisdom inspired me.

THE DEVIL CAN'T AFFORD PRADA

OH, HONEY. IT’S NOT THE ECONOMY. IT’S YOU.

98 Days of Unemployment * 74 Days of Aggressive Job Searching

80+ Resumes Submitted * $353.52 To My Name

I never thought I’d be in this situation. Not only am I unemployed, I’m apparently completely unemployable. I have milked every contact, sent out countless resumes, applied to every job under the sinking California sun. I began the job hunt with a discount suit, a folder full of resumes, a pocket full of useless accolades and a head full of false hope. Only to find graduate school just may have killed

AT LAST!

101 Days of Unemployment, 86+ Resumes Sent, $271.08 left, and ::drum roll, please::

I have an interview! Send your prayers, good vibes, break-a-legs, (or whatever your religious views permit) my way!

In typical interview fashion, I will spend most of the day researching the company, re-doing my hair, practicing my shake-‘n-smile, and dancing along to Michael Jackson videos.

I’ll let you know if it’s a break or a bust!

HOW DO YOU PUMP YOURSELF UP FOR AN INTERVIEW?