ORGANIC MANIC

Does spending an extra 60 cents on every head of organic lettuce ease your mind? Or $8 for organic oranges? Oh, peas! This organic shift is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

People who spray pesticides on farms seem to be coming down with irritating illnesses, like rashes, repertory infections, oh- and cancer. Terrible! No wonder the organic label helps squash fears of pesticide poisoning, unhealthy hormones and creepy carcinogens. And have you heard that hormones injected in non-organic meat is causing girls to sprout prematurely? Girls are going into menopause at 13 because of this stuff, right?

Before Whole Foods propaganda throws you into an organic panic, read this:

A report from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine (along with several others) discovered that there is no evidence of organic food being more nutritious. Furthermore, it remains unclear whether the amounts of pesticides in conventionally grown fruit and vegetables are high enough to be a health hazard. Nail in the coffin- It’s not very good for your beloved environment, either!

THE BEET 4 BEET RUNDOWN

Time to rethink those “conventional” carrots. They may not be as evil as your overpriced organic food market wants you to believe.

Organic food costs 10% - 40% more than conventionally grown food. Reduced use of preservatives means the food goes gross at record rates. There are no proven health benefits, and Nobel Prize winner Norman Borlaugh states that in order for organic farming to feed the world’s population, cropland would have to be expanded dramatically and ecosystems would be destroyed in the process.

Okay, so what does this mean??

Should I spend my hard earned cash on organic grass in the off chance that it might prevent health problems? My verdict is this: When I can afford to splurge on food that doesn’t cause cancer, hormone imbalances, and growth defects, I’ll consider it. In the meantime, I’ll Trade my Joes in for a Reasonable Ralph’s. I’ll settle for half price at Whole Foods. And I’ll take produce pesticide prevention into my own hands by scrubbing my plumbs ‘til they bleed.

If my baby can't do this by the time s/he's 4 months old, it's going up for adoption.

THE HULU HOOP

With so many new shows, how can you decide what to watch? Mad Men or Brothers & Sisters? Modern Family or Glee? Some cozy old favorites will have to take a back seat to the shiny new shows.

WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU WATCHING LIVE, AND WHICH ONES ARE DOWNGRADED TO HULU/DVR?

WHILE THE CAT'S AWAY

I survived my first week of what may become a grueling new job. Woo! The boss was out of the office for most of the week, leaving me with a lot of work to do, but a lot of freedom to make mistakes without feeling too stoooopid. Even a resident mouse took advantage of his absence and did a quick lap around the office. I just have to get used to work phone calls coming in at 6:30 am, texts in the middle of the night. No big deal, right? Just ask the bags under my eyes.

Hollywood would reject my resume had I gone to Chattahoochee Valley Community College, but I'm convinced I'd be able to do my job just as well with their education. If I could adjust my grad school curriculum to more accurately reflect the job skills needed for the positions we realistically get, I would add important classes in:

Conference Calls

Call Rolling

Dish Washing

Scheduling

Email Forwarding

Sounds like a trade school infomercial!

WHY DO WE SPEND SO MUCH ON EDUCATION WHEN WE CAN LEARN HOW TO DO COFFEE RUNS IN HIGH SCHOOL?

I have to put all of this in perspective. There is a silver lining here. Yea though, I didn't expect my master's degree to set me back as far as it has, I currently have a pretty cool job. After a week, I've met some wonderful new people, learned a thing or two, and I even got a paycheck for my day of training! I really can't complain. I'll simply confess, as a child I looked down on housewives, thinking they were lazy people who chose not to explore their

full potential. Now I look at them and say, "lucky bi-otch!"

FIRST DAY JITTERS

Starting a new job is like the first day of school. Remember those early fall nightmares that accompanied the first day? Every year of grade school began with a nightmare that I got majorly lost in a huge public school maze, missed all my classes, then got severely punished for being a scrawny idiot in stupid clothes.

Like Celine Dion, “it’s all coming back to me now.”

I have major first day jitters. Is my alarm clock going to be

THE CLOCK

SCRAMBLED EGGS

Last week, after a very interesting interview for this job, I returned home to find a very mature woman giving birth on The Learning Channel. Statistics kept popping up about all the risks associated with having babies late in life. Watching a poor, age-spotted, grey haired woman giving birth with informative blips about the likelihood of birth defects really rattled me. Here I am, fighting tooth-and-nail for jobs I’m scared of, when maybe I should redirect this attention to finding domestic stability. Suddenly, the window is closing. The clock is ticking. The heat is on.

At this rate, I’ll have crusty geriatric eggs by the time I’m married. Incessant lap top use is probably frying my ovaries. I don’t want to give birth to a Benjamin Button!

SHOULD CAREER TAKE A BACK SEAT TO FAMILY?

CONSOLATION BABY

It’s very possible that I‘ll wet my pants at work. Maybe I’ll be promoted. Maybe I’ll be fired. I’ll definitely get humiliated a few times along the way. But at least I now have a consolation prize. When/if this job falls through, I am going to buy myself a ring if I have to, and convince a strapping young man to give me the babies I’m almost too old to have.

Until then, I’ve got to figure out how to dress for this job.

WHAT WOULD YOU WEAR ON YOUR FIRST DAY OF A NEW JOB?

BRIGHT LIGHTS, WIG CITY

Comedian Chris Rock is outing black women everywhere! Why Chris, why?

Women put more money into decorating their heads than they do into decorating their homes. 50% of Americans over age 25 dye their hair. Hair is a multi BILLION dollar industry. Imagine if we put this type of money and effort into freeing Tibet or saving Darfur!

No, never mind. That wouldn't be fun.

MEN LIKE BOOBS, NOT BOBS

Chris Rock argues that men don't care about women's hair. I disagree. Men may not sit around and talk about the amount of bounce in a girl's curls, but they notice these things. I can run errands with my hair in a pony tail and it's like I'm invisible. Go out later in the exact same outfit with a well-done 'do, and the male reaction is completely different. 'Splain that, Mr. Rock! Just 'cause it's more fun to talk about rear buns than hair buns, doesn't mean guys don't notice.

CHARM & CHOP

I know you city girls are familiar with the ol' bait and switch! You clip, cut, curl and dye. You straighten and lengthen, perm and press. Then once you find a guy and seal the deal, you chop off all your stressful strands. New wives seem to think of it as a liberating right of passage. For men, it's a sign that the honeymoon is officially over.

Hate to tell you this, but guys are on to us! Before long guys are going to start writing 'no chop' clauses into prenups. No worries, though. A woman can be totally bald one day and she can sport red ringlets the next.

Extensions and wigs and weaves, oh, my!

ARE YOU GOING TO SEE CHRIS ROCK'S NEW DOC, GOOD HAIR?

GOT A GIG

After months of unemployment, I finally got a job! Though I'm very excited about the position, I hear my predecessors didn't fair too well. They came and went very quickly. I guess that means I should enjoy this little victory while it lasts! Champagne, anyone?!

WORSE THAN WHITAKER

I was making light of things yesterday, but my condition turned south really quickly. Think Whoopi in Color Purple. Maybe a little worse. My eye is swollen shut, and it looks like I'll have to make my first uninsured Dr. appointment. Where do you go without insurance? How do you pay? I'm new at this! It's like losing your virginity or stepping to the dark side. I'll even have the accompanying regret and confusion common in such situations.